terror. depravity. barbarity. horrificalness. none of these words do justice to the severity of the crime which i am reporting to-day, and that last one i made up just now, so you KNOW its bad.
on the 3th of feburary my beloved child Squeabert was murdered in cold blood by the criminal, conniving and overall floridian Wilhelm Wendigo, after i left him briefly in his care for a routine trip to Woolworths.
fig. 1: the perpetrator, wilhelm t. wendigo, enjoying a "chocolate shake" (i theorise that it is in fact comprised of insect blood)
i beg of you not to be fooled by his amicable exterior, for this freak is the WICKEDEST AMONG THE WICKED.
as soon as i had gone, he proceeded to seal Squamble in a tupperware container on the dashboard of his '04 Honda Civic, in which he perished of expyxiation. his very last memories were ones of pain, confusion, and week-old spaghetti stains. simply imagining it makes me weep.
fig. 2: artist's recreation of the crime scene
following the incident, willy showed no remorse and immediately returned to "Playing Toys".
i was left with no choice but to eat Squibson, who had by then been roasted to a perfect medium-rare consistency. i think he would have wanted to live on in that manner.
goodnight, sweet prince...
there will be a wake in honour of my son shortly. please email me if you would like to make a financial contribution.